The Oinkster (Hollywood)
by Garrett McElver

This is what I told Cheapshot I wanted to do for my review. He thought I was kidding. He thought wrong.

Choose Your Own Review: The Oinkster (Hollywood Edition)

Has the holiday season come early with this review? I like to think so. I now present to you: The definitive BEU review of The Oinkster (Hollywood Location).

PROLOGUE: Citizen Burger

As a general rule, I try to avoid Guy Fieri (because obviously), but damn it he knows how to find a tasty place to eat. Having been to The Oinkster in Eagle Rock, I was excited to visit the Hollywood location after having several months of BEU training. I ordered The Royale.
CHAPTER ONE: Dr. StrangeBurger

The Royale has what we call in the business a “cluster fuck” of toppings. A bacon cheeseburger with your standard affair of toppings (lettuce, tomato, pickles, onions, and thousand island dressing), plus added layers of pastrami, and topped with chili.
Yes you read that correctly. A burger with bacon, pastrami, and chili (because fuck it).

If you’d like Garrett to enjoy The Royale…
Click here to show/hide CHAPTER TWO, otherwise continue on to CHAPTER FIVE.

If you’d like Garrett to be disappointed with The Royale…
Click here to show/hide CHAPTER FIVE.

If you’d like Garrett to write an entirely different review, preferably shorter…
Click here to show/hide ALTERNATE ENDING.


Additional Comments:

How does the Bleu burger not have BLEU CHEESE ON IT? – Koichi

The burger was cooked medium to medium well, and I ordered medium-rare, but the patty was overpowered by the mountain of toppings. The burger was also soggy to the point that it fell apart halfway through. The quality of the meat itself was decent though. -Michael Sherwood

A very good take on the classic diner burger, but nothing groundbreaking. Bun got soggy quick. Those fries though. Dem some good fries + dipping sauce. -Chris Restivo

I appreciated the juiciness but I wish it had more flava. -Kier

Good burger. Decent selection of condiments. The onion rings are better than the fries. Ps: I tried all the condiments. -Benjamin Mandel

I think I ate a burger? -Justin Kamps

The burger was great. The fact that pumpkin beer was on the menu was incendiary. Onion rings were so good. PS: Cheap got a side salad. It was not good, ammirite, James? -Lauren Reynaldo

Garret McElver talks too much -Cheapshot

The onion rings exceeded all expectations. -Kristen Bushnell

Wish the burgers came with handi wipes! No problem getting down n’ dirty if the proper clean up tools are provided. -Sam Hayflich

Didn’t ask me for temp of burger and they left tomato on when I said no tomato. Overall really yum! -Lisa Cavallo

I got into an entire “structural integrity of burgers” conversation with Jonathan Hafter and he has concluded that splitting two different burgers completely changes the preservation factor for both, as you keep pulling one down and going to the other, instead of just eating the whole thing interrupted. It was very heavy and involved. Also, these burgers were very salty. -Binks

Burger tasted best taken apart. Altogether was hard to differentiate. Onion rings fell apart and were greasy. -Jon Hafter

Out of 20 total BEU members in attendance, here’s how Oinkster Hollywood  fared:

Appearance: 7.42
Patty: 7.8
Taste: 7.86
Creativity: 6.5
Bun: 6.10
Toppings: 7.23
Price: 7.80
Service: 8.52

Overall Score: 7.40861