CHOOSE YOUR OWN
The Oinkster (Hollywood)
by Garrett McElver
This is what I told Cheapshot I wanted to do for my review. He thought I was kidding. He thought wrong.
Has the holiday season come early with this review? I like to think so. I now present to you: The definitive BEU review of The Oinkster (Hollywood Location).
As a general rule, I try to avoid Guy Fieri (because obviously), but damn it he knows how to find a tasty place to eat. Having been to The Oinkster in Eagle Rock, I was excited to visit the Hollywood location after having several months of BEU training. I ordered The Royale.
The Royale has what we call in the business a “cluster fuck” of toppings. A bacon cheeseburger with your standard affair of toppings (lettuce, tomato, pickles, onions, and thousand island dressing), plus added layers of pastrami, and topped with chili.
Yes you read that correctly. A burger with bacon, pastrami, and chili (because fuck it).
If you’d like Garrett to enjoy The Royale…
Click here to show/hide CHAPTER TWO, otherwise continue on to CHAPTER FIVE.
The Oinkster has pastrami nailed down. The pastrami sandwich is already fantastic, but what’s that? Pastrami on a burger? Oh man. I don’t know how I haven’t done this before. It’s like they answered a question I didn’t know to ask. I’m still craving it a week later, I need to eat it again. We have to go back! It was easily the best part of the whole experience.
I’ll admit, I was a bit nervous that the layer of chili was going to be too much, but they pleasantly surprised me with having the right amount. I had elected to pass on the thousand island dressing (because it’s yucky), and instead of adding a replacement in the form of ketchup/mustard, the gentleman who took my order advised that the chili does a sufficient job serving as a sauce substitute. He was exactly right. I’d even go as far as suggesting they serve it like this normally. I fear another flavor in the mix may tip it over the edge.
UH-OH, a new music library popped up and sent you un-clearable music.
CHOOSE YOUR ADVENTURE:
A) You sacrifice your burger’s bun in order to make a distraction. You successfully escape but at what cost? Skip ahead to CHAPTER FIVE
B) Figure it out, you’re a professional. You call Cheapshot to write you a replacement track and continue on to CHAPTER FOUR.
The burger overall felt like it came straight from a backyard barbecue, in the best way possible. It came quick and was presented casually, and delivered big juicy flavors. Ingredients tasted fresh, and was cooked to my order. I heard grumblings from others about it not being the right temperature, which is a shame because mine was right in that pocket between medium rare and medium. I tend to crave salty foods, so all of the flavors hit a comfort home for me.
As for sides, the fries and onion rings were hot and oh so delicious (shout out to Kristen Bushnell for sharing). Plus, they served beer and appropriately had a pumpkin flavored option. This place just kept hitting it out the park for me. Couldn’t ask for a better offering.
If you’re looking for fancy, or pretentious taste pairings, you might look elsewhere. This place leans in the fast food territory, but it is streets ahead of any competition. The prices varied, some felt like better deals than others, but it all seemed fair to me. Plus the service was great. They took all of our orders efficiently, made sure everyone got their beer right away, and even had the forethought to come and ask us if we wanted the outdoor heaters turned off (because it’s still summer in Los Angeles). I’d definitely come back here. Comedians like the place too!
If you’d like Garrett to be disappointed with The Royale…
Click here to show/hide CHAPTER FIVE.
If you’d like Garrett to write an entirely different review, preferably shorter…
Click here to show/hide ALTERNATE ENDING.
How does the Bleu burger not have BLEU CHEESE ON IT? – Koichi
The burger was cooked medium to medium well, and I ordered medium-rare, but the patty was overpowered by the mountain of toppings. The burger was also soggy to the point that it fell apart halfway through. The quality of the meat itself was decent though. -Michael Sherwood
A very good take on the classic diner burger, but nothing groundbreaking. Bun got soggy quick. Those fries though. Dem some good fries + dipping sauce. -Chris Restivo
I appreciated the juiciness but I wish it had more flava. -Kier
Good burger. Decent selection of condiments. The onion rings are better than the fries. Ps: I tried all the condiments. -Benjamin Mandel
I think I ate a burger? -Justin Kamps
The burger was great. The fact that pumpkin beer was on the menu was incendiary. Onion rings were so good. PS: Cheap got a side salad. It was not good, ammirite, James? -Lauren Reynaldo
Garret McElver talks too much -Cheapshot
The onion rings exceeded all expectations. -Kristen Bushnell
Wish the burgers came with handi wipes! No problem getting down n’ dirty if the proper clean up tools are provided. -Sam Hayflich
Didn’t ask me for temp of burger and they left tomato on when I said no tomato. Overall really yum! -Lisa Cavallo
I got into an entire “structural integrity of burgers” conversation with Jonathan Hafter and he has concluded that splitting two different burgers completely changes the preservation factor for both, as you keep pulling one down and going to the other, instead of just eating the whole thing interrupted. It was very heavy and involved. Also, these burgers were very salty. -Binks
Burger tasted best taken apart. Altogether was hard to differentiate. Onion rings fell apart and were greasy. -Jon Hafter
Out of 20 total BEU members in attendance, here’s how Oinkster Hollywood fared: