Okay, so you’re probably going, “Is this like a Noxzema commercial or what?” but we actually have way normal lives for members of a beef-eating music industry club. So when I found out our next BEU was celebrating the 20th anniversary of “Clueless,” I knew I was gonna have to make a cameo at the burger party.

Driving to Beverly Hills was wigging me, but it was worth it when I saw Bouchon. The restaurant is a total betty. The columns in there date all the way back to 1972, with gorgeous floor to ceiling mirrors and elegant white table cloths.

As we ordered our burgers, we chose between cheddar, swiss, or blue cheese. The highly anticipated meals arrived shortly after…with all of the toppings on separate plates. Tomatoes, pickles, onions, lettuce, and condiments. Seriously? Burgers we have to dress ourselves? Would they prefer “fashion victim” or “ensembly challenged”?

Suddenly, a dark cloud settled over the first bite. This burger was a full on Monet. Despite its clean presentation and high quality blue cheese, it was overcooked, under seasoned, and majorly lacking creativity. I wish I could tell you I loved this burger, but it’s just like Hamlet said, “To thine own self be true.”

The spicy pickles that came alongside the burger were delicious. Otherwise, the best part of the night was breaking in my new purple clogs. If you’re looking for a good burger, I recommend you do a lap before committing to this location. Searching for flavor in this burger is as useless as searching for meaning in a Pauly Shore movie.

Anyway. I can’t find my Cranberries CD. I gotta go to the quad before anyone snags it.

Out of 22 total BEU members in attendance, here’s how Bachi Burger fared:

Appearance: 6.83
Patty: 5.78
Taste: 5.52
Creativity: 3.722
Bun: 5.38
Toppings: 7.68
Price: 3.63
Service: 6.75

Total: 5.666321981

Who would win in a fight? Miss Stoeger

Additional Comments:

“The best part of the burger was the tomato!” – Jordan McWethy

“I’m a woman who appreciates a good value. This wasn’t it. Headed to In N Out.” – Kristen Bushnell

“Underwhelming appearance, pretentious-ass ambiance, ‘choose-your-adventure’ toppings…but I ate the whole goddamn thing. So – I’m sold” – Val G

“Pretty uneventful burger. They overcooked it. I asked for medium-rare and got medium well. Not very cool…” – Benjamin M.

“I could have had four Fatburgers for the price of this tasteless slab of overcooked meat. At least they did separate checks” – Ryan Gaines

“Thanks very much for the invite!” – Travis Williams

“Burger was dry and plain. Next time, I’m saving myself for Luke Perry” – Dasmarie

“Underwhelming…but great people!” – Andrew Hawthorne

“I was a bit underwhelmed. Bun was dry and chewy. Meat was a bit dry as well. Dining in BH is kind of tricky. It doesn’t surprise me they weren’t great at doing a burger” – Geoff Siegel

“Burger was made for the purist, very simple and basic. Not the biggest fan of DIY burgers for the price/atmosphere. Patty was solid, pickles were best. Would prefer a burger from ‘The Valley’…as if… P.S. We almost got stiffer out of a drink” – Chris Lavarias

“Eh” – Jon Rosher

“The idea of a expertly preparing burger can be admired, but sometimes you look to a place to daringly ‘make it their own’. This burger was fine, just not per se memorable.” – André Golubic

“Part of me wonders if I felt lackluster about this because of the method in which it was served. Then I just wondered… ‘is this a mediocre burger?”’ – Binks

“Ordered medium, came out medium rare. Wahhh. Poor me” – Jason Rabinowitz

“I wanted all my dreams to come true in BH but I’ll have to settle for Hollywood. Astro Family Restaurant Silver Lake” – Bobby Lavelle

“I was initially hopeful because the burger was well-cooked, but was pretty bland in the end. I also didn’t think the build-your-own situation made any sense. The burger was also just too tall to eat comfortably.” – Michael Sherwood

“Burger was okay. I may have had higher expectations. Adding your own condiments was a nice touch. The meat itself didn’t have much taste. The bun was too thick and toasted (it fell apart). The fries were too salty. Overall a fun first experience. Thanks for having me!” – Liana Gonzales

“The bun was too big. The ratio was off. I didn’t like the make your own burger, as if they could be creative.” – Jennifer Smith

“I once stalked Mike Piazza at the Northridge Fashion Center” – Andrew Wixen

“It tasted like Thomas Keller yelling at somebody” – Michael Persh

“Burger looked great but did not deliver the taste. Extra points for those tomatoes though.” – Manny Montiel

“The fries were better than the burger” – Tim Adams

“My burger’s heart was still beating, it was that rare. For the price, I would expect like a totally medium burger. Not so much.” – Jennifer Smuckler

“I had better burgers at summer camp” – Jeremy Silver

“The burger was cool. Talk about the pickles, lettuce, and tomatoes! I mean they were soo boss! The salt could’ve used more fries though… When I asked about the 2 drink charge, the server stuck up his nose and rolled his eyes so high I thought he was having an aneurysm and a nose bleed at the same time” – Patrick Clancy

“Bring out the flower crown because this is the most basic bitch of burgers. $20 ‘Banquet Wine’ Boo Yaw Bouchon.” – Sam H

“In 1993, I was 7 years old and convinced my brother to take me to see the ‘Super Mario Bros Movie’. As a huge Nintendo fan, I was excited for this high profile adaptation. As the movie concluded I couldn’t believe how they got it completely wrong. I expected so much from something so anticipated. Replace ‘Super Mario Bros Movie’ with ‘Bouchon Bistro’ and ‘Nintendo’ with ‘Burgers’ and that’s how disappointed I am…” – Garrett McElver.