Fellow Beef Eaters: here are all the questions that go through your head when you are anointed Burger Blogger:

-what can I wear that will match the hat? (answer: lots of stuff! It is a cute hat!) 

-when was the last time the hat was washed? (a friendly heads up and an FYI for all you future bloggers out there: it has never been washed. However, Brayden has assured me that it is a very clean hat considering that it has never been washed.) 

-do cats ever sleep on or touch or spend any time on, around, or near the hat (important question if you are allergic to cats; the answer to this question is no; the hat lives in the backpack and only emerges for BEU events.) 

-and the final, and most important question: was I the first choice to be the Burger Blogger? (Actually, no, I wasn’t, but that’s cool #iseehowitis #whatever)

But let’s get down to brass tacks, fellow burger eaters, and give the people what they want: a review of Everson Royce and its burgers and a quality #shortform #experience for BEU blog readers:

Answer: yes! Everson Royce serves up a good burger. BUT let me caution you that my judgement of the burger comes with an asterisk. This is for several reasons. 

First, as I ate my $13 burger (Yes. $13 if you include tax and tip for a cheeseburger that did not come with fries or anything, and by the way, this also does not include valet, which was $8, and yes, they automatically include tip, which is cheeky), I thought of all the people who couldn’t be with us that evening. People who were at the CCC event all the way in Hollywood. People who were too cheap to pay the $8 for the valet and were circling the block in vain looking for parking. People who didn’t even have access to a small bites / craft beer / burger concept in an intimate outdoor setting.  

However, when my burger arrived it was cooked perfectly, which took away the sting of the $13 + the $8 and the cheekiness of the tip being automatically included, I forgot about being sad, because it was so good! 

Hear that burger fans? It WAS a good sandwich experience! What I got was a very back-to-basics cheeseburger: cheese, bun and burger. Like I said, basic. But it’s harder to do a good basic burger than you might think. 

Some places just smear everything with butter or mayo or various over-extra-saturated fats, which is fine if you’re at the country fair — actually, BEU should definitely go to the county fair, am I right? (After all, it would be an #authentic #local #artisan #farmtoparkinglotexperience, would it not?)— but when you want to appreciate the essential burgeriness of a good burger, you don’t want to worry about the mounting number of minutes every bite is taking off your life. (That’s more a dessert thing for me anyway.)  

Some places get cheap oily cheese, or go the other way and get painfully authentic cheese — the kind of thing that goes way past pungent and ends up more like “chemical warfare” than “aged cheddar”— and some places can’t even get the actual burger right, which is just heartbreaking. And other places – places which we will not name – try to get too fancy and try to justify a $15 or even $22 dollar price tag on their burger with fancy extras that no one wants or asked for. 

This is a mistake, because a good burger is about balance. Not too pink, not too black, not too thin and not too fat. And not too much extra BS. 

A good burger doesn’t make you work to like it. 

A good burger is like an old friend: you know what to expect, but there are still surprises!

That was my basic cheeseburger: an old friend I don’t see enough these days. (You may have seen my insta. It is short on burgers and heavy on all casseroles and bundt cakes and jellos.) The bun was simple, efficient and stayed out of the way when it needed to. The cheese was some rock-solid cheddar — confident, orange and just on the gentle side of sharp. And the burger was just what I wanted — a big ol’ hunk of ‘Why can’t it always be like this?’

Answer — because sometimes people forget that good enough is still good, and they take burger science to places that humans were not meant to go. (If I want a truly artisanal burger, I’ll take an Animal Style to the Velveteria in Chinatown.) Everyone: Royce knows that going back to basics doesn’t mean going backward — it means coming home. 

Point being: my #experience was already good, and then someone at my table paid for and subsequently abandoned a perfectly good cheeseburger which I wrapped to take home to my husband so he could reheat it and eat it for lunch. (Yes, I brought my husband discarded food but it’s ok, I was watching closely and no one touched it or sneezed on it or anything so it’s fine).  “The burgers were really good, but they were expensive, but I got you one for free, and it was only sitting out for an hour, and no one sneezed on it,” I told my husband when I got home.  He reheated it the next morning in the toaster oven and said it was still good. 

#TheEnd 

Out of 73 people in attendance, here’s how Everson Royce Bar fared:

Appearance: 7.2727

Patty: 8.7727

Taste: 8.2272

Fries/Sides: 7.3684

Bun: 7.7727

Toppings: 6.4117

Value/Price: 7.3333

Service: 8.95

TOTAL: 7.7635

And literal fire (flames) beat out metaphorical fire (Travis Scott’s Astroworld) in the “Who would win in a fight?” category.

Additional Comments:

Alex Waters: Forget the burger, the biscuits were the move!

Casey N.: SO DELICIOUS! What’s the secret??

Tiff Su: Biscuits biscuits biscuits!!!

Julia Moreira: I love burgs. xo Julia

Tina C.: The burger looked sad but that was the most perfect patty I’ve ever eaten.

Dana Wilentz: Jucy Lucy was A+++

Peter Wade: Who knew there was a garden out back? Cookie was ok.

Kylie (Hughes): It was ok. Patty was a 10. Toppings like pickles, etc. a bit sparse.

Antony (Bland): Basically an appetizer. Tasty but need 3. Drink was good.

Brayden: Bun was great, patty was great, just wish there was a topping or two. But DEEEELISH! Wish I got some of those biscuits.

binks.: I think I/we wanted this to be basic, but amazing – I, for one, found it to be too basic and too seasoned salty. Patio = A++. Service = A++. Oatmeal cookie = I could do it better. Burger = okaaaaay. Whatevvvvvs….

Jamin: I got the single burger because I’m forever alone

Michael Sherwood: One of my favorite burgers in LA. So simple and focused.

Patrick Buchanan: The “Juicy Lucy!?” sounds like my ex wife! -Rodney Dangerfield

Alex Valenti: Why did my $10 burger cost $13. Boo, you whore.

Nyiko: Patio lighting could have been a bit more sexy.

Cynthia Daft-Blondelle: “It was fine” -P.B.

Russell Nygaard: I had taquitos!