At my first experience at Dog Haus, I ordered the Scott Baioli hot dog and it was the tits. Probably the juiciest, snappiest, baconiest, hot doggiest dog topped with zingy garlic mayo. Sorry, aioli. Sorry, Baioli. And Hawaiian buns man, c’mon. So when Rebecca hit me up to say BEU was happening here, I was PUMPED. But then she was like “NO HOT DOG” :(

Question: why does Scott Baio get a dog named after him? Answer: He’s an actual wiener.

Anyway, no dogs, no problem. Pretty much anything you get in hot dog form is in burger form as well. So what I should’ve done was get the HOLY (B)AIOLI burger. But what I did instead was get the FREIBURGER, because ugh, me…

This is the Freiburger description: “white american cheese, fried egg, haus slaw, fries, mayo.” Now, I had a few whiskey drinks on an empty stomach going in. I was hungry and floaty and everything is great. When I read the description, all I saw was “this burger has fucking fries on it.”

And, yes. It did. But it also had a fried egg on top of coleslaw on top of American cheese on top of said fries. No, wait, it’s white American cheese, because that’s a thing. In my notes I wrote “cheese is too cheese.” Inevitably the fried egg (cooked and seasoned perfectly) gooped down onto the coleslaw goop, which was already mingling with the too-cheese goop that had goop’d up the fries.

The flavor was AWESOME but everything turned starchy and gummy. The fries were no longer fries, just flaccid potatoes sticks. I do not recommend egg yoked coleslaw, in case you were thinking about putting that together at your next BBQ. Even the bun, which had some nice grill char going on, couldn’t hold up with all the madness inside. For those negatives, though, I would swear that the meat was the best seasoned patty I’ve had at any BEU location so far. Seriously. Concept, 11/10. Execution, 4/10. Also, the tots were great, can’t fuck that up too much.

Dog Haus really does make great burgers (and hot dogs, obvs). Big bonus is that the NoHo location is next door to Skinny’s Lounge so you can chow down on your not Freiburger burger, walk over to hang with the bartender Justin (who will give you his discount code for Uber Eats), and then try your hand at live band karaoke. Pretty sweet, no?

Out of 35 people in attendance, here’s how Dog Haus fared:

Appearance: 7.7241

Patty: 7.8620

Taste: 7.9655

Creativity: 7.7241

Bun: 8.1034

Toppings: 8.1724

Value/Price: 8.8620

Service: 9.1379

Total: 8.1939

Snoop Dogg beat out Scooby Doo in the “Who would win in a fight: stoner dog(g) edition”.

Additional Comments:

Alison Dannenberg: Looks and tastes like a white castle burger.

Jess Ruoti: Build a burger: would build again. Tons of bun.

Val G.: So close to Sunday morning post-drinks/pre-nap perfection.

Chris Jackson: Umm…chili cheese tater tots? More please!

Geoff Siegel: Rosner liked his burger better than I did. But I’m tainted on N. Hollywood restaurants, ‘cause I grew up in N. Hollywood. And mama didn’t love me.

Brian Grushkin: Great group! My first time attending Beefeaters and I plan to be back again. Great burgers, better people!!!

Tina Chen: The chili part was delish. NOM.

Koichi: I am still deciding on whether to get the salty caramel shake!!!

Michael Persh: Could be clear winner for post drinking, pre hangover burger, ever.

Jamin: Scooby Doo would get scared and run away, but then would accidentally get Snoop Dogg tangled in a net and save the day!!! And he would’ve gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for you meddling kids.

Whitney: I didn’t eat a burger but they looked delicious! Fun chill atmosphere!

Talia Rubino: The tater tots and cheese sauce were a perfect accompaniment to the Freibuger. Fried egg, cheese, meat, fries, yum!

Kristin G.: I was in an in-depth Dog the Bounty Hunter convo just today (bc that’s a normal thing) so Dog Haus comes at the perfect time. Igh remarks all around, A++ for the Hawaiian sweet roll and the white cheddar cheese.

Precious Sidibe: Bonus points for low rent appearance with high rent deliciousness.

Eric Moromisato: Burger was god g’au’n good.

Brayden: Shoulda gotten that caramel shake. Also holy bunz.

Madonna Wade-Reed: Kind of wish they would toast the bun. It got really doughy + gummy.

Cory Shackelford: “Never bring a burger to a dog fight.” -Aristotle

Binks: This is serious bang for the buck. Pleasantly surprised and great value! The Hawaiian bun is a clutch move. And this time it seems like everyone – you know – ordered a burger, so points all around.

Peter Wade: You neglected to mention Baby Lyssa in your tirade. Today’s theme music “Dirty Dawg” N.K.O.T.B.

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